Time for a chuckle! With some pithy observations about my life as illustrated by our talented, resident cartoonist, SCHNOZ!
Distractions are the writer's worst enemy. However, luckily for me, I am not subject to the same...Wait! Is that an owl?!
My accountant tells me I spend far too much money on cravats, Madeira wine, moustache wax, & other needless fancies. He's right. I should economize. I no longer have an accountant.
I am not one to resort to fisticuffs. But when a fellow disparages my fashion sense...especially when they're wearing chequered breeches...Well! I feel there is no alternative!
Had a close shave yesterday. But that's what comes of having my barber's next to a circus. Must stop putting cream buns in my pockets...
My Housekeeper, Mrs Gregson, presented me with bedevilled eggs for breakfast. Not a good idea. They possessed the cat & now he's floating in the pantry!
Another argument over the Oxford comma in the library again I hear.
I notice that snake oil salesman Dr Hillman Fogswatter was hawking his baldness cure around town again. What a swindler that fellow is! Complete crook of the first order! Still, one can never be too careful. Just bought 7 bottles.
Every author must guard against procrastination. Even so, being acquainted with the supernatural as I am, I have benefitted from: 'a flying saucer stole my typewriter' many times.
I note in The London Magnifier that Eustace Volt, the wildlife photographer, snapped an image of the rare 'smiling' rhino of Nigeria. Sadly, the even rarer 'angry' rhino of Cameroon was also behind him & Volt was never heard from again.
As us writers know, when working on our latest opus, there is one rule above all else that must be respected: 'Never disturb an author, even with a potato.' A policy that my housekeeper seems to forget on an almost daily basis.
It's my housekeeper's day off. Visiting her sister in Lambeth. So, with the house to myself, I can finally indulge the usual urges of most any well-to-do, virile and eligible bachelor: a manicure followed by a hot bath. With candles.
One should always be careful what one eats. That's why I warned my housekeeper not to dine at Chez Lycanthrope - that new French eatery on Half Moon Street. But would she listen?
One of London's most notorious criminals - Billy Smalls, The Genius Pipsqueak - masterminded the Toyshop Heists! Finally caught trying to flee on a model railway & now serving 3 to 6 months on the Naughty Step!
Got stuck in the turnstiles at Crystal Palace again. I wouldn't mind, but my housekeeper told some children I was part of the exhibits & made 5 shillings.
I read in The Magnifier that Whiskers O'Creep, the cat who stole the crown jewels, was found hiding in a barrel the other day. Unable to resist playing with the Queen's bejewelled orb, he batted it up to a policeman's feet & was arrested.